[Penguin]

Shrek.
Grimm's love juice
A pint and a half of lactic acid
A fish with nipples.
Donald Trump's love child with himself
Male lactation
Corndogging
A rap battle between Siri and Cleverbot
Teabagging a dead vole.
Shitting off a motorway bridge, trying to hit the cars below.
Pooping out a perfect Cumberland sausage.
A delectible willy.
Your parents walking in on you and your hand going at it.
Overpriced condom machines
Making grunting noises in a public toilet.
Pretending to be a baboon in public.

One more black card:

"I sat on it" is not a good enough reason to explain to the doctor how _ got stuck in your ass.