03-12-2017, 11:20 AM
I wrote the beginning of this to work on and post at a later date, March 27th. I'm posting it now however since I feel that it's just something I need to do. With everything written in this, there's a lot left out as I either can't remember everything, or just decided it wasn't something worth putting in.
One Year Ago
Exactly one year and one day ago, on the 26th of March of 2016 was the most important event in my life if you exclude my birth. The day of March 26th as well as the 27th and the events that occurred will forever be in my thoughts and will always be there to haunt me. There is only 1 person that knows the full story of the events that took place on that weekend, and I hold that person very close to my heart. I cannot thank them enough for how much they have been there for me since we've met. This story is not about them however, it is about myself. That is because I'm going to be sharing what happened on that weekend.
The 27th is a very important day to me because exactly one year ago, the 27th of March 2016, I should not have been alive. This is because on the night of the 26th, I was going to take my own life. The combined mental toll of everything that was going on in my life combined with all the thoughts that were just always in my head became too much for me to handle. After trying to deal with all of this I just gave up, and planned to asphyxiate myself. I had purchased what I'd needed a few days prior to the incident and nobody knew. As you can see though, I am still here today, writing this. This is not because I backed out on the last second. It was because my attempt failed. I wasn't stopped by anyone else, it was a malfunction of the rig I was using. To this day I'm not sure what failed, and is still a thought that creeps into my head today. I'm also not sure what prevented me from re-attempting on the following days, but I'm also sure it's better for me to not try to remember.
Since the incident, my mental state has swayed drastically in both directions. Over the summer it seemed to get a bit better when I got back to having a job and was just generally doing stuff. In recent months however, I've started to sway back in the other direction. In December I was close to reaching the point I was the past March, but this when I met some great people. I started talking to people on discord and met some really great friends as well as something who is very important to me. These people as well as everyone who I wasn't necessarily friends with on the server at this time helped me through this without even knowing it. I thank you all for that. I the past few weeks, namely the end of February/early March I was going through a really difficult time in my life. More memories of that event have been returning to me as well as other strong emotional feelings made it extremely difficult for me to do things. I remember a dream I had, on the last week of February, where I essentially relived the exact moment of my attempt. I awoke from my dream scared and in heavy panic just gasping for air trying to breath, even though I was fine.
Every day for the past couple of weeks has been a struggle for me. Every day feels like it's taken a week, and I'm just wanting every day to be over before it starts. I've been going through one of the most difficult times of my life, with just so many feelings and thoughts going through my head at once. It's just been a constant mental battle for me between all of my thoughts and feelings and I just want to escape from it all. I just have a complete dislike for myself in pretty much every way. This combined with a lot of the other stuff that's been going on in my head has just compounded together. I always feel like I'm just hurting people and making their life worse, despite how much I'm told otherwise. This combines with the fact that when I have had feeling for someone, I always just subconsciously tell myself that nobody would want me in their life and just continue back onto the path of my self-disliking.
These are some of the reasons I've been acting the way I have been recently. I haven't hit the level that I reached last year, but I've definitely come close a couple times in the past couple weeks. I've just wanted to be alone a lot of the time so I'm sorry to those I've ignored. There are times when I feel like talking to people, but usually it's just to certain people. I'd like to thank everyone who's helped me through this time without even knowing it, even though I've barely talked to anyone. To the person that's been closest to me, you know who you are, I love and thank you.
One Year Ago
Exactly one year and one day ago, on the 26th of March of 2016 was the most important event in my life if you exclude my birth. The day of March 26th as well as the 27th and the events that occurred will forever be in my thoughts and will always be there to haunt me. There is only 1 person that knows the full story of the events that took place on that weekend, and I hold that person very close to my heart. I cannot thank them enough for how much they have been there for me since we've met. This story is not about them however, it is about myself. That is because I'm going to be sharing what happened on that weekend.
The 27th is a very important day to me because exactly one year ago, the 27th of March 2016, I should not have been alive. This is because on the night of the 26th, I was going to take my own life. The combined mental toll of everything that was going on in my life combined with all the thoughts that were just always in my head became too much for me to handle. After trying to deal with all of this I just gave up, and planned to asphyxiate myself. I had purchased what I'd needed a few days prior to the incident and nobody knew. As you can see though, I am still here today, writing this. This is not because I backed out on the last second. It was because my attempt failed. I wasn't stopped by anyone else, it was a malfunction of the rig I was using. To this day I'm not sure what failed, and is still a thought that creeps into my head today. I'm also not sure what prevented me from re-attempting on the following days, but I'm also sure it's better for me to not try to remember.
Since the incident, my mental state has swayed drastically in both directions. Over the summer it seemed to get a bit better when I got back to having a job and was just generally doing stuff. In recent months however, I've started to sway back in the other direction. In December I was close to reaching the point I was the past March, but this when I met some great people. I started talking to people on discord and met some really great friends as well as something who is very important to me. These people as well as everyone who I wasn't necessarily friends with on the server at this time helped me through this without even knowing it. I thank you all for that. I the past few weeks, namely the end of February/early March I was going through a really difficult time in my life. More memories of that event have been returning to me as well as other strong emotional feelings made it extremely difficult for me to do things. I remember a dream I had, on the last week of February, where I essentially relived the exact moment of my attempt. I awoke from my dream scared and in heavy panic just gasping for air trying to breath, even though I was fine.
Every day for the past couple of weeks has been a struggle for me. Every day feels like it's taken a week, and I'm just wanting every day to be over before it starts. I've been going through one of the most difficult times of my life, with just so many feelings and thoughts going through my head at once. It's just been a constant mental battle for me between all of my thoughts and feelings and I just want to escape from it all. I just have a complete dislike for myself in pretty much every way. This combined with a lot of the other stuff that's been going on in my head has just compounded together. I always feel like I'm just hurting people and making their life worse, despite how much I'm told otherwise. This combines with the fact that when I have had feeling for someone, I always just subconsciously tell myself that nobody would want me in their life and just continue back onto the path of my self-disliking.
These are some of the reasons I've been acting the way I have been recently. I haven't hit the level that I reached last year, but I've definitely come close a couple times in the past couple weeks. I've just wanted to be alone a lot of the time so I'm sorry to those I've ignored. There are times when I feel like talking to people, but usually it's just to certain people. I'd like to thank everyone who's helped me through this time without even knowing it, even though I've barely talked to anyone. To the person that's been closest to me, you know who you are, I love and thank you.